segunda-feira, abril 20, 2009

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Aquele era com certeza o pardalzinho mais bonito que já vira em sua vida toda. Pardalmente tranqüilo, beira-da-estradeava ali, assim, sem se preocupar com o resto alucinado do mundo que adormecia adulto lá fora. Sabrina não queria dormir. Era melhor ficar observando as cotidianices da vida que malabarismavam além da quadrática e miúda janela da ambulância. Eram tantas coisas, tantas... Como alguém pode deixar desmaiar sua sensibilidade e fingir não percebê-las? E as casinhas de taipa a cumprimentavam. Meu Deus, como elas são singelinhas. O homem que carregava aqueles quatro paus de lenha no ombro jamais iria supor que um dia fora refletido naqueles olhinhos marejados que passavam fotografando vida a mais de 120 quilômetros por hora. Tudo pode estar absolutamente tão perto... O menino que carregava a carroça de mão não era forte nem fraco, negro nem branco. Mas lhe lembrou profundamente aquela tardezinha de sol poente já longínqua em que descobriu como se sorri com o coração e se diz tudo sem se pronunciar palavra alguma. Ele teria nome? Ficava...

Sabrina pensou por um instante no efêmero das coisas. Quem foi mesmo que inventou esta história de contar o tempo? Nas aulas de Física falaram em frações de segundo. Só não tiveram tempo de dizer que os segundos também são frações de algo muito, muito maior. As pessoas vivem tão ocupadas... Já reparou que quando se é criança o dia parece ser muito maior? É que vivemos a essência dos segundos, não a pressa atribulada dos anos. A ambulância também parecia ter pressa e engolia o asfalto em goles grandes. Sabrina tinha catorze anos e, como afirmaria a máxima universal, uma vida inteira pela frente.

- Sinto muito. É câncer.

- Não pode ser, doutora. Minha filha só tem 13 anos de idade.

- Infelizmente, minha senhora, o câncer não escolhe cor, idade, sexo nem posição social. Dois exames não podem estar enganados. Sabrina tem câncer no canal vaginal.

- Como pode ser isso, doutora? Minha filha ainda é virgem e tudo! - D. Jailza pronunciara estas últimas palavras como o argumento mais potente e desesperado que lhe forneceu sua bagagem de senso comum.

- Minha senhora... O fato de ser virgem ou não não quer dizer nada. Na verdade, o câncer no canal da vagina ocorre em virtude de uma predisposição cancerígena das células que se desenvolvem nessa região, independentemente das atividades sexuais da pessoa...

Aquelas explicações altamente científicas e técnicas não explicavam nada para D. Jailza. Ela não queria acreditar que sua única filhinha fora acometida daquela enfermidade letal e irreversível.

- Diz que não é verdade, doutora. A bichinha só tem treze anos de idade. Ela não merece isso não...

E na verdade alguém merece? – perguntava em baques surdos e descompassados o lado menos egoísta do coração de mãe de D. Jailza.

A ambulância era por demais apertada. Cabia apenas mais uma pessoa sentada do lado da cama. Mas Sabrina já era acostumada com a situação, e quando a dor amainava ela até se divertia, brincando com a ventoinha. Por vezes mirava os olhos para o teto por pedaços consideráveis de tempo, como quem vislumbra algo bem mais longe e muito mais além. Era nesses momentos que os seus olhinhos adolescentes suavizavam a expressão e marejavam um sorriso interior. E Sabrina retrospectivava suas melhores fatias de vida vivida. Engraçado que quando se olha pro nada em nada é a única coisa em que definitivamente não pensamos.

Sabrina lembrou do dia em salvara um gatinho lá na escola juntamente com duas de suas colegas de oitava série. O bichinho era cego e estava encurralado por dois cachorros num recantinho estreito do pátio do colégio. Elas espantaram os cachorros e resgataram o pequeno felino, arisco a princípio, mas que logo logo já ronronava eufórico e agradecido nos colos das meninas. E Sabrina amou-o de imediato, levou-o para casa, alimentou-o e batizou-o de Pitico. Mas quando seu pai chegou em casa não permitiu que Pitico ficasse, para tristeza de Sabrina. “Ora, minha filha, esses animais só servem para passar impinge pra gente”. E Pitico foi recolocado na rua, afastando-se a contragosto, tímido e devagar até sumir pequenininho na última esquina. Meu Deus, como Sabrina chorou naquele dia. Depois disso, ela jamais quereria um animal de estimação novamente.

Outra vez fora flagrada colando na prova de Geografia. Fusos horários. Assuntinho mais chato. E daí se de Brasília a Sidney na Austrália vão 11 horas de diferença? Bah! Trivialidades, desimportâncias. Pra que afinal perder tempo estudando aquilo, quando muito mais divertidos e interessantes eram os seriados na TV? Não havia estudado e pronto. Agora o negócio era mover os pauzinhos na hora da prova. Só que o professor Roberto não deu mole não. E quando Sabrina achou de trocar as folhas de resposta da prova com a colega ao lado, percebeu tardiamente que sua ação desexemplar de aluna estava sendo observada. Ainda tentou disfarçar, mas não tinha mais jeito. Foi zero nas duas sem direito a recuperação. Um total desastre. Como explicar isso em casa? Sabrina podia imaginar a cara de D. Jailza quando ela recebesse o boletim para assinar. Estava até o pescoço encrencada. Isso merecia vingança. E ela veio no mesmo dia. Pobre do professor Roberto, tão atento para com a fiscalização das provas em sala, tão descuidado para examinar sua moto antes de dar partida! Sabrina e sua companheira de cola haviam travado a roda dianteira da motocicleta amarrando arames nos raios. Quando o desatento e apressado professor deu partida, engatou a primeira e arrancou o desmantelo já tava feito. Pois foi. Newton estava mais do que certo quando defendeu a teoria da inércia. Que queda medonha! O professor Roberto passou por cima dos guidões e desabou com todo corpo no chão. O estrondo no calçamento foi tão grande que todo mundo no colégio correu para olhar o que era. A gurizada ria que se acabava, mangando e fazendo algazarra. E o coitado do professor Roberto, humilhado, levantava-se a custo, batia a poeira e tentava recolher seus papéis que haviam se espatifado na calçada. Enquanto isso, Sabrina lavava as mãos na pia do banheiro feminino com o coração sereno e a consciência mais limpa do mundo. Lá fora, os ânimos cada vez mais exaltados. Tinha de se achar o culpado de uma brincadeira de tão péssimo gosto. “Brincadeira não, isso é atitude de marginal!” – bradava o diretor, esquecendo-se das máximas pedagógicas que aprendera há muito tempo na faculdade. Então. O tempo vai passando e amnesiando um pouco um fervor dos acontecimentos. Muito embora a direção tivesse empenhado sua palavra, o tal culpado jamais seria descoberto. E apesar de algumas pessoas afirmarem de fé e verdade que haviam visto Sabrina rondando por perto da moto do professor, ela estava livre de suspeitas. Não, Sabrina não. Uma menina tão meiga, tão comportadinha... Sabrina recordava este fato hoje com uma pontinha de remorso, mas ao mesmo tempo acompanhada de uma onda de alegria travessa e jovial que lhe trazia um brilho intenso, insistente no olhar. Brilho de vida. Nem que fosse resgatada aleatoriamente na memória. Sabrina se lembrava. Viver era bom. E já havia sido muito, muito melhor.

- Você está passando bem, minha filha?

- Tô sim, mãe.

- Ficou calada de repente.

- Tava só pensando.

- Pensando em quê, posso saber?

- Na vida, mamãe. Na vida.

- Na vida?

- Sim, mamãe. Olha, olha! O bezerrinho!

- Bezerro? Onde, menina?

- Pela janela, olha!

- Ah sim. Tô vendo. O que tem de tão especial nele?

- Tudo, mãe! Olha como ele é lindo! Escaramuçando todo alegre, olha!

D. Jailza olhou. E pensou na vida também. O semblante e a alma ficaram mais leves. Aquele bichinho saudável todo cheio de energia. Tão novinho. Aquele sabor otimista que tem todo começo. Depois pensou na situação da filhinha e entristeceu-se um pouco. Por que com ela? Por que com sua única filhinha? Então pensou novamente no bezerrinho saltitante e o coração se mais uma vez encheu de esperanças. Ah, Sabrina também havia de ter o seu novo começo. Havia sim. Porque quando se crê em Deus não falta mais nada.

- Ainda falta muito, mãe?

- Anh?

- Quanto tempo ainda pra chegar?

- Ah sim. No máximo mais meia hora, minha filha.

- Que bom. Já tá me dando câimbra ficar deitada o tempo todo...

Aquelas viagens aconteciam geralmente nas segundas feiras e haviam se tornado comuns na vida de Sabrina. Desde que o câncer fora diagnosticado, naquela tarde enubladada de quarta. O pior que Sabrina achava naquilo tudo era ter de acordar às três da manhã. “Sabrina, minha filha, acorde, se lembra que hoje vamos no hospital de novo...” Sem falar que tinha vezes que a estrada parecia ser muito mais longa. E parecia que não iria se chegar nunca. Mas a estrada era sua metáfora.

As seções de quimioterapia eram a parte mais difícil do tratamento. Tudo era muito cansativo, dolorido. Nesses períodos, Sabrina ficava muito fraca, debilitada. Sentia como se seu organismo jovem estivesse envelhecendo antes do tempo. Fastios freqüentes, gosto de desmaio na boca. D. Jailza mesma estranhou muito no dia em que Sabrina recusou umas colheradas de doce de caju após um almoço de tímidas beliscadas no prato e poucas palavras à mesa.

- Seu doce preferido, meu amor... Comprei só porque sei que você gosta muito.

- Deixe aí, mãe... Tô sem vontade.

- Está certo, querida. Vou deixar aqui, tá bom? Se você quiser é só dizer.

Aquela foi a primeira vez que D. Jailza não pôde abafar a sua tristeza e deixou escapar alguns soluços amargos e entrecortados. Dizem que coração de mãe sofre em dobro as dores de sua cria. E sua menininha tava tão doentinha. Mas sobretudo nessas horas D. Jailza sabia que tinha de ser forte. Não queria jamais que Sabrina lhe visse chorando. Isso faria Sabrina sofrer ainda mais. E a pobrezinha já sofria o bastante, acometida por aquela doença dos infernos. Por isso quando o choro vinha D. Jailza trancava-se no banheiro e escorria suas lágrimas doídas e soliloquiadas pelo ralo da pia.

Quando seus cabelos caíram, Sabrina entristeceu ainda mais. Sentiu-se feia, cadavérica. Cada fio que ficava no pente ia desmatando suas melhores esperanças de cura. Era como se seus cabelos representassem uma parte sadia de si. Fiapinhos de vida que iam diminuindo cada vez mais. A primeira vez que inventou de sair na calçada de casa os pivetes na rua insultaram, fizeram pilhéria, zombaram. E a garotinha, careca, rapidamente se recolheu, de olhar cabisbaixo e ego machucado. “Como é que tem gente que tem coragem de fazer piada de um caso de doença? Rir da desgraça dos outros?” Sabrina lembrava de sua turma do colégio, que sempre dava um jeito de fazer brincadeira de tudo. Vieram-lhe umas pontadinhas de saudade. Como fora difícil não estar com eles este ano. Eles já estavam no primeiro ano. Sabrina sozinhava refletindo. Seria tão bom estar também no primeiro ano e não num talvez último. Mas a estrada. Nem sempre as porteiras estarão abertas...

Os ponteiros do relógio já iam apontando quase sete da manhã. A ambulância agora reduzia um pouco. A paisagem começava a ficar urbana e barulhenta. Sabrina percebeu que estavam chegando.

- Feche a janela, mãe, está ventando.

E ficou absorta por mais alguns instantes contemplando seu próprio reflexo que dava no vidro da janela da ambulância. Lá estavam seus olhos, marejados e abatidos, mas também vivos e esperançosos. Na janela que dava para o horizonte Sabrina contemplava agora as janelas subjetivas de sua própria alma. Depois fechou-as também e ficou pensando baixinho. Até quando “viver é melhor do que sonhar”? Seria bom se o mundo fosse como cada um sonhasse. E Sabrina sonhava. Quereria um mundo quase igual, mas se fosse possível, um mundo sem dores nem quimioterapias. Sim... Seria muito bom. Pensar nisso aquietava seus maiores medos, aqueles que às vezes lhe visitavam e afligiam durante a noite. A cura do câncer. Os médicos na TV afirmavam que ela estava próxima, era só uma questão de tempo. Mas isso também era só um palpite. E palpite por palpite, Sabrina preferia ouvir os do seu coração.

126 comentários:

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É comum se dizer que o bom escritor faz de um fato corriqueiro, uma verdade universal. Pois bem, mas o que se quer dizer com tal "verdade universal"? Por não saber responder a essa pergunta, prefiro dizer que o bom escritor nos faz ver o nosso próprio reflexo na sua obra. Como estou comentando o seu conto, em vez de discutindo os significados de uma expressão, o melhor é não me alongar e tomar a última definição como certa.

O conto "Nos olhos marejados de Sabrina" é tão curto quanto o olhar de um adulto comum lançado a um quadro vivo da humanidade. Sabrina já nos aparece como o sol das quatro da tarde, quase a se pôr, tranquilo, exangue, mas ainda belo. O câncer e o médico bem poderiam não existir. Quanto à mãe, é muito menos expressiva do que deveria, pois sua aflição é óbvia como as árvores numa paisagem selvagem. Enfim, nem tudo se encaixou perfeitamente e faltaram pinceladas mais fortes em certas partes. Por outro lado, o estilo é muito bom.

Em síntese, como poderia avaliar o conto e o escritor dele? Ora, se aquele conseguiu penetrar o meu espírito, malgrado algumas dissonâncias, é mister dizer que não é ruim. O escritor me parece talentoso, porém ainda precisa exercitar mais a arte da pena.

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